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About Deviant sweet-bbygirlFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 3 Years
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I'm getting really sick of feeling this way. I want to stay strong and try to push my feelings for him aside, grow cold and stop caring. But then it's been days since we have even come close to eachother. And now, with the fight feeling unfinished like it's on pause, we have been getting closer out of habit. It feels so right when we kiss, and hold eachother. I don't want to let go of that feeling. But I feel like I am giving in and being weak. Like I'm saying all of this is ok with me when really it's not. The weak side of me is telling me 'Give in. Hold him. Kiss him. Smile at him. Laugh with him. Sleep with him. Tell him you love him. Gaze into his eyes. Feel happy. Let yourself go.' While the side of me that is fighting to stay strong is saying 'Remember everything he has done. Remember the lies. Remember the secrets. Hold onto that gut feeling that something is wrong. Hold onto that feeling that he is cheating on you. Catch him. Suck it up. Stick it out. Just stop caring. Stop feeling. Then let him go. You can do better and you deserve better. You will find it and live happily ever after if you just fight.' There is such a huge war raging inside of me. It's even over-powering what is going on with me and him. I can't tell which part of me to listen to anymore. Does he still love me? Is that amazing man still there? Am I just crazy and dellusional? Are all of his excuses really the truth? Or.... Did he stop loving me? Is he a player? Is he lying? Is the man I loved and felt safe with completely gone? Will he just disappear at any time again? Should I not trust him? Should I leave?

I just want the confusion to end. I want to know what to do. I need to know what is right. The stress is making me sick. I just can't take much more of this. Whatever I decide is going to change everything. Am I ready for that?

I can't see where the line between the truth and lies is anymore.
Should I stay or should I go?
  • Listening to: I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift
  • Watching: Ghost Adventures
  • Drinking: Water


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United States

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